It's been one week now. The time just seems to drag. Everywhere I look I am reminded of you, reminded that you are not
here physically on earth with me any longer. I still am not sleeping and I still can not eat. I still break down daily and
sob, I miss you so much, the pain just won't go away. I would give anything just to have you back for one more day.
(Jan. 31) Well it's been 2 days at that my furbaby ^Savannah-Booboo^
died...It's just so hard! I have better moments but then I have
moments of horrible pain. I know what it is to loose a spirit that was close to you, whether in human or animal form. I lost
my best friend a human soul-mate when I was 21, she was in a car accident. I have lost my grandfathers both to congestive
heart failure my grandmother and a little girl I taught dance to cancer, I had one of my furbabies stolen from me.....etc..
I'm no stranger to loosing a spirit that is close to me. However I am having such a hard time with loosing my ^Savannah-Booboo^.
I know it sounds insane and it's so hard for some people to understand but I feel more pain with loosing her than I have ever
felt before. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I seem to be completely obsessed with thinking of her, looking at her picture, etc..
I know time will heal, I'm looking forward to thinking of the beautiful memories without crying so hard I feel like I might
(Feb. 3) I am honoring my angel furbaby ^Savannah-Booboo^ in
a candle ceremony tonight. I submitted her name and story to be added to the many pets that are honored tonight
at petloss.com . I have
printed out the prayers and I think this may just become my Monday night weekly ritual, for my angel furbaby and all the others
who are suffering or have left this world to join the RainbowBridge.
(Feb. 4) I recieved my ^Savannah-Booboo's^ ashes today. This just kind of took me by surprise. I was expecting them to come tomorrow or Thursday. It has been a very difficult week. I am not coping
very well, I'm trying. I am giving myself permission to grieve, and trying not to push it. This has been the hardest loss
of my life. I have lost my best friend when I was 21, my grandparents and other souls but for some reason loosing my furbaby
girl has almost rendered me non-functional. I can't eat, I can't sleep, the only peace I find is looking at her picture, creating
memorial websites for her, saying prayers in tribute and sharing others losses of thier furbabies. I thought I would be recieving
her ashes tomorrow or Thur., that's what they said, but the doorbell rang and I answered it and there she was. I don't think
I was prepared. I feel happy to have her home with me, sick to my stomach that it's not her 'earth' self, just all sorts of
rollercoaster emotions. I know they are all healthy and that's part of the grieving process. It's just so hard. She was in
my life for almost 14 yrs, and has been through so much with me. I just want to know when the hurt will calm down a little..when
will I be able to function semi-normally again? I keep her memorial page her at the rainbow bridge up to look at all the time.
(Feb 13) Tonight is 2 weeks since my baby girl earned her wings.
I can't believe it's been 2 weeks, it's so surreal, it seems longer but shorter but still hazey, like a bad
dream I'm sure I'll still wake up out of! It's all of the 'firsts' and the 'this times' that are so darn hard,
that keep the pain so raw and fresh. Just when I feel like I'm doing a little better something comes at me in full force,
like I've experienced all the 'firsts' BAM, another one hits me dead in the heart! Yesterday I went to get my other furbabies
thier heartguard, and there was ^Booboo's^ heartguard and her grooming stuff. I fell to the floor and started bawling, sobbing,
and I thought I really had sobbed every drop of water out of my body up to that point, well I proved myself wrong. Then
all the 'this time last week, this time last month', etc.. Those thoughts are killing me. I try so hard not to let them sneak
into my head but out of the blue I will be just driving along and thinking of something else and BAM "this time last month
I had just picked ^Booboo^ up from her surgery" "this time 2 months ago she was fine, great, it was Christmas time" the hardest
one a deja-vu kind of one "this time 2 months ago I sat in the bathtub at this same time talking to my mom, ^Sav^ next to
me on the floor waiting for me to get out, telling my mom how I didn't know what I would do or how I would survive if anything
ever happened to ^Savannah-Booboo^" OUCH! That one hurt so bad. I know that all of this only time will heal, but it
just still hurts so bad. I still can't eat really, I did sleep the other night with the help of Ambien my Dr gave me, I am
functioning a little better. And now I sit here, 2 weeks to the day that she left to earn her ^wings^ and I know she's
in a better place, I know she's all around me, I can feel her sweet spirit, but I so selfishly want her back! Here's
to you my little ^Savannah-Booboo^, mommy misses you and loves you so much!!!
(Feb 20)I got a bridge kiss the night before last
from ^Savannah-Booboo^!! I couldn't sleep and I went and crawled into bed to just lay there. I was laying on my side staring out
the window and just started to bawl my eyes out when all of a sudden I felt a little nose nudge me on the shoulder, I turned
around to see who it was, I thought it was one of my furbabies here on earth with me, but Bonnie was at the foot of my bed
and Holden was in the hall! It was a very strange but calming sensation. I all of a sudden smiled and felt better, like ^Sav^
was telling me it's ok mommy, I'm ok. I have felt so much better yesterday and today, still miss her terribly and I
couldn't help but do the "it was 3 weeks ago at this very time I lost you" thing last night and shed some tears but overall
I feel at bit more calm.
(Feb 26) Bittersweet, mixed emotions on today my ^Savannah-Booboo's^
1month wing day & ds's bday...Well, what an emotional rollercoaster day. I've been in such mixed emotions
you'd think I was schizophrenic. One minute I'm so happy it's my sons 3rd birthday today! He is such a little joy and blessing
in my life, he's such a wonderful kid with such a love of life and animals, he wants to be a "betrinerian and zoboligist"
when he grows up and travel all over the world saving the animals from the poachers. All day today has been 'his' special
day. We would be doing something just for him and I would be happy,then all of a sudden, I would get so depressed and sad,
I would want to just ball my eyes out. Of course I didn't let him see or know this. But these thoughts would just creep into
my head, ^Sav^ should be here with us, ^Sav^ was here 1 month ago and today she's gone, 3 yrs ago I brought my son home
to meet ^Sav^, etc.. (He must have picked up on it, sensitive little soul that he is, because late this afternoon we were
playing a game and out of the blue he said "mommy, I really miss ^Booboo^, I really love her so much") It just, well to put
it bluntly, it just sucked! It sucked that I couldn't really enjoy my sons birthday today, that it had to be exactly 4 weeks,
1 month today that my ^Savannah-Booboo^ earned her wings, that I had to feel like it was that night when I lost her all over
again. That I just so selfishly want her back, I want her here on earth with me, not at the bridge! After my
son went to bed tonight I lit a candle and held her urn and cried, I said the 'pet prayer' and then I took a long hot bath
with her, her candle and her picture right there with me. I pretended she was right there beside the bathtub waiting for me,
curled up on my towel like she would always do. It made me feel much better, much calmer, I really could feel her there with
me. I know all the 'first' are so incredibly hard, I know that there will be days way in the future even when I get
a 'sad' day, it's just so darn hard. And to be on a day where I'm suppose to be happy, *sigh*, it's just so hard..... Please, someone tell me the 'firsts' get less and less...
(Mar 12) I can't seem to concentrate enough to even write lately. I just seem to only be able to focus on tedious tasks,
cleaning, organizing, etc.. I feel like I've moved into a different kind of numb stage of grief. I don't feel the numbness like
it could not being real any longer, instead I just feel nothing, I just feel sort of numb. I seem to be at a lost for
words lately, which for me is very out of sort. It's as if my psychi has finally accepted the fact that she is not coming
back, that her earth form is gone forever and that has put me in this numb state of shock. I'm starting to sleep a bit better
and I'm able to eat without feeling like I'm going to throw up. We'll see how I feel next week, I still miss her so much.
(Mar 25) I am feeling better today, yesterday I saw ^Savannah-Booboo's^
shadow lying in the sun on our living room area rug. It was very strange and really took my breath away. It was there and
then it was gone. At first it made me sad and made me think I was seeing things to make myself feel better but then I realized
it was just my ^booboo^ helping me through a rough spot, again! I'm finally starting to feel a little happiness through
the tears and pain. But the sudden intense moments of grief still linger, I still break down and cry often.
(Mar 28) Well today my son found me a ^Booboo^ angel! We were having a 'fun' day together at Stone Mountain Park when
he spyed the cutest little stuffed toy dog with wings and it looks so much like my babygirl! Of course Foster said we had
to get her, so we did. I'm feeling much better lately, sadness is still there, my heart still hurts but it's getting
easier to think of my ^Sav^, to feel her spirit and be happy.
Well, it's been one year since my little ^Savannah-Booboo^ went
to the Rainbow Bridge. What a year it has been. I have to say it was by far the worst year of my life. However, there were
some wonderful things that happened. On August 4, 2003 I received the most gracious gift. My dh's best friend bred his Maltese,
Katie, for me. She had two puppies, one girl and one boy. He gave me the little girl to help heal my broken heart. I have
to say it's has helped tremendously. I named my new little furbaby Caliana, it's a goddess name meaning, strong beautiful
one. She is so my like ^Sav^ that sometimes I think it is her! ^Sav's^ one year mark was hard, however I really feel peace
like she is with me, maybe she did come back to me as Cali?? All I know is the pain is not as strong and beautiful loving
memories are in place of the hurt that my heart felt for so very long. I think this year is going to be much better and I
am so thankful for Caliana! She fits right in with our family, as if she just stepped into ^Sav's^ place. My beautiful little
^Savannah-Booboo^ I know you are with me, I love you!
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^Savannah-Booboo^, you chose me as your mommy back in 1989, how was I to know that you knew we were soulmates. I thank God
for lending you to me for almost 14 years, you were and always will be my soulmate, my angel, my guardian, my little 6 pound
Maltese puppy I will always love you more than you will ever know, you are and always will be in my heart, in my soul, Thank
you I love you so.